I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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