So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
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You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
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i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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