After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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