You're so nebulous sometimes
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
