She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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