The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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