im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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