I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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