I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize