he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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