I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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