hotel room ftw
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
