You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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