Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
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I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
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Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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