My cat gives me a boner
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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