using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
