So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
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It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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