Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
