im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
