last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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