I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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