I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
