We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Even my vagina gasped.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
