Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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