I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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