Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Everyone says I win the strip club
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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