I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
