Don't make out with my wife yet
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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