I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
