I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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