we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
