she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
