yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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