Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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