You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
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I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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