Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
