i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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