That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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