i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I checked into jail on foursquare
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
