My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
