i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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