My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
