you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
