I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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