Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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