um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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