It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
