a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
