Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
