I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
