im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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