just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
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We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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