weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
