Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
