My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
