I am in a vortex of obligation.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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